What a year it has been!
I luckily managed to get through All I Want for Christmas at the Christmas concert! This did kind of surprise me, as when I was doing my sound check beforehand, I thought I was going to fall on my face because I was shaking like a leaf. However, having to listen back to recordings of yourself singing is a painful experience. You are able to hear every little mistake that most people would not even think twice about, and then your mind begins to run around in circles, switching between your logic side that reassures you that it went really well, and you were brave to even try… but then the self-deprecating side pipes up and convinces you that you might as well have screamed the whole song it was that awful. You end up having a miniature existential crisis where you begin to question whether you have always been terrible at singing, and people have just lied to you all your life. I know I am dramatic by the way.
The constant back and forth between whether I should drop business studies or keep it as an AS level has also been a pain in the neck! Why are Universities never clear about what they want you to do? I mean just tell me, because have no idea whether doing this extra AS will be the difference between me getting five offers or no offers, or whether it is just a complete waste of my time! University applications are just a complete minefield or Chinese whispers, with no student ever really knowing what the Universities value or prefer.
Volatile is definitely a word you could associate me with over the past couple of months. The stresses from work in and out of college have made me become extremely emotional at the most minor inconveniences. I mean, I do know that breaking a nail realistically will not result in the entire world ending, or that my ponytail not being completely bump free will cause everyone to find me instantly ugly, but after a bad day it can certainly feel that way. I also feel as if the rigidness of my new college routine has made me really unspontaneous. The idea that I might do something that falls outside of my normal routine, or doing something that might possibly disrupt my work or social life, has felt like a massive deal for me recently. Whether it is a control thing or not, I honestly have no clue, but I feel as if whenever I do something that wasn’t previously factored into my plan for the day, I manage get myself into a bit of a mess. I am now one of the most indecisive people ever.
A couple of weeks ago saw the start to my rehearsals for the play that I’m in, and it seems to be going well so far. The only problem is that my opening line is a prayer, and I have to perform it with other women, which wouldn’t be an issue except one of the girls I perform it with is a Scouser, so whenever we deliver the prayer, I unfortunately begin to pick up her accent. Apart from that I am really enjoying it. However, because I haven’t really done much drama before (surprisingly), I find it quite hard to let myself go, and be fully immersed in the role, without any feeling of embarrassment or self-consciousness. I know I need to get over myself and just have fun with it, but it is quite challenging for me.
I was definitely feeling Christmassy this year though! I have been to the Christmas markets, which were slightly disappointing, but I still always love to go, if nothing else but for all the lights on the stalls. My mum and I also tried our hand at baking mini mince pies, which may not have won on Bake Off, but were absolutely delicious. I’ve decorated our tree this year, which was good fun, until it then subsequently fell on my grandma, so I had to then redecorate it. My friends and I had a Christmas movie night where we watched Love Actually, (and all shouted at Alan Rickman when he cheated on Emma Thompson, obviously) and then we all decorated gingerbread houses which wasn’t my finest moment.
I have never been so ready for the Christmas holidays! Don’t get me wrong, Christmas Day is great, and I always love to see my family’s faces when they open their presents from me, but personally Boxing Day is always my favourite day. This year Boxing Day consisted of watching How To Train Your Dragon (one of the most underrated movies in history), playing subjective Guess Who, and having a big karaoke session with my mum’s new portable microphone whilst making tea, and of course ending the day with compulsory mince pies and chocolate whilst binge watching Game of Thrones which I am currently forcing my stepdad to watch.
So, onto resolutions for the New Year, as apparently January isn’t depressing enough already with the cold weather, mock examinations and lack of money after Christmas. I have never really been someone to make New Year’s resolutions, as I often don’t stick to them, but I was feeling motivated this Christmas, so have decided to set a few general goals. The main one this year is a pretty obvious, but still important; to perform consistently well throughout the year at my A-levels, and do well at my end of year exams. Another one (that is very unlikely that I’ll stick with) is that I would like to start running. I love to read and watch things about powerful female characters and pretend that I am them, or strive to be more like them, for example Astrid out of How To Train Your Dragon, or Arya out of Game of Thrones, but I feel like I can’t pretend to be them if I know full well that I can barely run 500m, let alone be a warrior and fight in battle. Therefore, I want to start running. And finally, as a more general aim for this year; I want to stop caring as much about what people think of me. Often, I can be quite a sensitive person, and I can really take things to heart, even if I don’t show it on the surface, so in 2024 I want to be more confident about myself and not worry as much about what other people think of me.
Overall, 2023 has been an interesting year, with many ups and downs, some bigger than others, but I definitely don’t regret anything, and can’t wait to see what the New Year has in store…