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I have heard the phrase "sick with worry" before, but I didn't truly grasp its meaning until the few days before my A-level results.
It wasn’t just the fear of the unknown, like you can experience before an exam, but rather the crippling knowledge that my results were already known and my outcome decided, I was just unaware of what the outcome was. More precisely, I was unable to change it. So, during those few days I decided to do everything I could that was in my control. I googled every clearing option under the sun, I tried to talk through my doubts as much as I could, reassuring myself that the world would remain spinning if God forbid I didn’t get my grades (basically told myself to get a grip!).
I am very pleased to say that was a complete waste of time! That moment I saw the Oxford offer on my UCAS page, it felt like the giant foot pressing on my chest all this time had finally lifted. It made all the months of self-doubt and overthinking not important anymore. The endless scenarios of what could have been now irrelevant.
The next few days were as expected; money loss, memory loss and likely a lower life expectancy. Completely worth it if you ask me.
Now that the results are a happy memory and Oxford is on the horizon, the first hurdle is getting through the absolute FOMO of everyone starting university before me. This I am not looking forward to! Scrolling through the fun-filled freshers events of everyone I know on social media, from the refuge of my bedroom, doesn’t sound ideal.
The main part of University I’m excited for is learning about myself on my own, and how I like to do things. It’s like when you wonder what you would be like if you had been raised differently, with regards to routines, habits or just ways of doing things. How different would you be? I am curious to see which aspects of my lifestyle that I’ve picked up from my childhood actually suit me, and which ones don’t. For example, my dad is a big morning person, so being woken up early with a cup of tea most mornings (not complaining!) has subsequently made me have to be a morning person, but what if naturally I’m not? What if I’m more of a night owl?
I've always believed I know myself well, but I wonder what I'll discover about myself once I live alone.
This thought does frighten me a little, because what annoying traits do I have that I don't know about myself yet? When you have known someone forever, and you love them either as a friend or family member, you are willing to overlook certain things they do, or how they act in some situations. It’s likely that no one has ever enlightened them on these annoying habits, or irritating things they do, in order to spare their feelings because they love them. That just begs the question, what are mine? Do I have many that I just don’t know about because no one has told me? I must admit that thought does terrify me slightly, as I cannot really fix something that I don’t know is broken. I mean, you don’t know what you don’t know.
But no one’s perfect right? For my sake I hope other people think that too...
On a more personal note, the most relieving part of university is going from a small pool of people, to a much bigger one. When there is only a few of you in a given environment, like sixth form, it's impossible to not compare yourself to each other all the time. Who is the prettiest, the smartest, the funniest, all of it is put under a microscope, and because there are so few, it's so easy to compare and pick yourself apart. When the crowd is larger, it’s harder to see everyone, so ranking yourself against them becomes futile because you are just one of so many. You stop paying attention to what others are doing all the time, you focus on yourself instead, and so does everyone else. You don’t feel like you’re under the microscope anymore.
The idea sounds freeing to me.
