Riviera Rochelle Will See You Now

The mailbag is full. The tears are flowing - but Rochelle's all about solutions - NOT problems
Riviera Rochelle
April 2, 2024

We've been amazed by the inital appeals from Northerners to have our new Agony Aunt Rochelle unpack their problems, life choices and public transport queries.

While we promise to read all of them - we can only publish a few each week (mainly for legal reasons).

We kick-off what is sure to quickly become an essential public service, with an email that arrived before the weekend, from Norman Castle in Redcar :

"Dear Rochelle, This morning I found my goldfish (Alan) bent into a 'U' shape - and he was also peculiarly disinterested when I fed him. I have tried to iron him flat using my Morphy Richards steam iron and some baking parchment, but unfortunately my Boss called while I was carrying out this intervention (apparently I've ordered the incorrect amount of Comedy Ostrich costumes) - and I mistakenly held the iron up to my face to answer.

I now have a significant burn on the right side of my face and my ear - and am taking part in an Easter parade later today. Alan seems better.

What should I do? I am a big fan of your work. Will you add me as a friend?"

Dear Norman

Of course, I’ll add you as a friend! (Sounds like you could do with one.) And as you are ‘a friend in need’ I can actually see us becoming friends indeed.

First of all, I’m delighted to hear that Alan has made a MIRACULOUS recovery. I really do think that his phenomenal resurrection must have something to do with it being Easter. You know….? A time where folk have been known to rise from the dead…….Just glad Alan didn’t peg it at an inopportune time of year. You might be flushing him off to Blackpool rather than celebrating his return to the living.

You are a numpty tho’ aren’t you? Ironing your face. I do hope that before you contacted me for advice you put your head under running water for 20 minutes to take the sting out of that burn? I suppose sticking your head in Alan’s fishbowl could have been an alternative, but not quite as effective an option.

However, if he has any fishy friends in his tank they may have been traumatised by the immersion of your charred cheek. That really wouldn’t have been fair and may have incurred the wrath of the RSPCA and Sir David Attenborough (curtsey). But don’t you fret, we can still have you cutting a dash at the Easter Parade. Cover the burnt area with cling film.

Norman, please take care not to cover your nose and mouth as you won’t be able to breathe which would preclude all activities, not just strutting your stuff on a float this afternoon. I know it sounds obvious but if you’re the kind of fella who mistakes an iron for a phone you may need it spelling out. No offence. The cling film will protect the burn, but also, will make your head resemble a Fabergé egg to suit the occasion. Sorted. Job done. The only thing you need to do then is ensure that the parade passes the local A+E where you can have some intravenous fluids before being referred for skin grafts.

Have a fabulous day and Happy Easter!

RR x

Next we hear from Meekz in the North West:

"Whatsupp R? I'm getting beef because I went from Forest Bank to Hindley - and then from Hindley I went to Preston, but why would a man know how much it costs on the bus? It's not a loss of it's a lesson. I'm livin' life and that's a blessin."

Dear Meekz

It certainly is! Like Rocky said - Nothing's ever going to be easy.

RR x

Randolph Arbuthnott from Blyth is asking:

"Dear Rochelle, Is anything in life truly objective - and not subjective?”

Dear Randolph…..can I call you Randy?

Oh, now that’s a good one. (Takes a deep breath with a look of smug appreciation whilst nodding her head and sucking her teeth)

The question of whether anything in life is truly objective and not subjective is, as you’d expect, a hotly debated topic here in the salon.

I mean Barbara, who has a static at Riviera Bay (and don’t we all know it), is always papping on that certain scientific facts, such as laws of physics, mathematical principles, or the price of a tube of Sterident tablets, are objective and don’t depend on ‘how you look at it’.

However, her husband Reg, (who should keep his objectifying bloody hands to himself) swears blind that even these, so called, objective facts are ultimately understood and interpreted subjectively through human perception and cognition - ie: ‘they do depend on how you look at it’.

Ameenah, on the backwash, reckons that aspects of human experience, including morality, beauty, what we like, and more importantly don’t like, are inherently subjective and all down to personal taste and how we’ve been dragged up. She’s a clever one that one.

It’s just so nuanced Randy.

So, the consensus is that whilst pure objectivity may be rare, it’s important to acknowledge both the objective and subjective aspects of reality to have a comprehensive understanding of the world.

But for me, the only truly objective thing in life is a bad haircut! But let’s just hope that your wife regards your appalling 1970’s mullet in a more sympathetic subjective way than I do.

Best wishes RR x

If something is weighing heavily on your mind, Rochelle's unparallelled Salon-Chair-Manner is guaranteed to give you the leadership advice you need.

Email her at: team@mag-north.com

Follow her on Instagram at: @riviera_rochelle