Make sure your Bank Holiday weekend isn't an Utter B@~#%$d by firing over to Riviera Rochelle any pressing problems that are antagonising your Amygdala.
This lot did - and now their future's so bright - they've got to wear shades...
SCHIZOPHRENIC MONOLOGUE
Dear Riviera Rochelle,
I have a major catastrophe… I have been cast in a play (that contributes to my A-level drama exam). Unfortunately the leading man refuses to speak to me due to having a fragile ego and possibly because I dumped him. This means he will not turn up to rehearsals and I most likely will fail my exam.
Should I scream in his face or abandon any hope of passing and give up my dream of University.
Sincerely,
Severely distressed Deirdre Barlow wanna be.
Dear Diedrie (Eh?)
I’m bloody glad you dumped him… he sounds like a right pillock. What sort of behaviour is that from a so-called leading man? You’re better off without such a petulant prig in your life. He needs to get a grip.
So, what should you do?
I don’t think either of your suggestions are any good if I’m honest.
Screaming in his face will probably just make him cry (fragile ego) and nobody wants to see that, do they?
If, however, you do want to see his face turn into a wet upside down kidney bean, go for it….but it won’t make you feel any better.
Read an article about that in the paper yesterday….kicking things and venting doesn’t work….in the words of Elsa, you have to ‘Let it Go’ (sung).
What you mustn’t do is give up hope.
This could actually be a perfect opportunity to showcase the full array of your talents by playing his part too?
Turn the play into a schizophrenic monologue.
You’ve nowt to worry about.
Show up.
Do your best.
Don’t let the beggars get you down.
R
ARE YOU INSANE?
Hello Rochelle,
I have finally found true love. Her name’s Rishe - and she’s the Duke’s daughter. The problem is that to prevent war and live to a ripe old age, she has begun her seventh life as the bride of an enemy nation’s prince. She’s also an anime character. None of my friends on the Sunshine Bus have a solution that is palatable. Please help.
Elven Mage Frieren (Darren from Goole)
Darren,
You need to get out more love, instead of sitting in front of a screen.
Don’t waste your time. Even if she was real, you’d never live happily ever after. She always snuffs it by the age of 20.
If you are set on an anime romance go for Nami - she’s a ginge!
R
BARKING
Dear Riviera Rochelle,
I read today that a 70-year-old Ugandan woman called Safina Namukwaya is the oldest Mum in the world - after having twins. I’ve got news for her: My mum’s 77. Have you got the number for the Guiness Book people?
Thank you,
Tracey Fortitude-Barking. Dent.
I've got three words for you Tracey: Get. A. Grip.
R x
TWISTED
Hello Rochelle,
Everyone thinks it is a humorous device that I employ to make friends, but my use of spoonerisms are getting way out of sand and I’m in ranger of becoming a laughing cock.
Next leek I’m taking part in a public speaking contest at my school and the potential fall-out is obvious.
Can I have a signed photograph?
Mr Jones, Headteacher.
Dear Mr Jones
Spoonerisms are very KS2. However once an addiction takes hold - it can be difficult to recover. Have you considered focusing on another textual device - perhaps the enjambment - to take your mind off your current behaviour?
(I should also let you know that I've got a friend - who's got a friend - who's an OFSTED Inspector and your school is on the list before the end of term, so GET A GRIP.)
My full range of Riviera Rochelle Merch will be available soon.
R
SKANKY WIGS
Dear Riviera,
I am a big fan of your work.
Apparently the ‘Shaggy Bob’ is the style to go for in 2024, but I’m concerned it would undermine my credibility and authority as a District Judge. Thoughts?
Judge Aled Jones
Aled,
Well you do have your finger on the pulse don’t you?! Get you at the cutting edge of coiffeur.
I think a shaggy bob is a perfect look for a judge.
If you’re grey, you wouldn’t have to wear one of those skanky wigs that comes with the ‘Judge Dress Up Kit’ you get handed at graduation.
You’ll look like you’ve already got one on, your head won’t get sweaty and you’ll command respect at all times.
Or you’ll look a pillock.
Risk it. Life’s too short.
RR
