Riviera Rochelle Will See You Now

Got that dreaded Sunday feeling? Think yourself lucky you're not one of this lot:
Rivierra Rochelle
July 7, 2024

Starmer's in charge. Southgate's in Germany. Summer seems to consist of repeated areas of low pressure coming in from the Atlantic. There's only one person who can effect positive change...


Dear Rochelle,

I'm going to be 50 next week and I'm a 6 Music listener.

I'm moderately intelligent - and work as a librarian.
Ever since first hearing 'King of Spain' by the Police in 1983, I have held that tune in high regard, as the lyrics spoke to me about the struggle of the people of the Iberian Peninsula over centuries.
Last weekend I was taking part in a Scratch Poetry workshop at Glastonbury's Lost Horizon, when I referenced the song in question - only to be sniggered at by the other participants.
It turns out that Sting (which apparently isn't even his real name) was actually singing ; 'King of PAIN' - and for over 40 years I have misunderstood.
Have you ever misheard any song lyrics that have resulted in you being soundly ridiculed by your peer group - and if so - what tactics did you employ to recover the situation?

Darren. Redcar

Sting Shaking Hands With Jimmy Nail At A Wallsend Masonic Meeting

Oh Darren,

I do feel your ‘S’pain. See what I did there?

It’s not your fault tho’.

Let’s face it, the diction of some folk can be lamentable.

But fear not. You are not alone.

I've been the subject of ridicule for misunderstanding lyrics loads of times.

Or are we misunderstanding?

Could it be that a higher narrative is speaking to us, rather than the, sometimes, prosaic lyrics presented…

In your case, the plight of the Iberian people came into sharp focus for you. Surely this is a more valuable outcome than listening to Sting having a bit of a moan about his feelings. Such a ‘pick me’.

I give you ‘Dancing Queen’ by those Swedish funsters ABBA.

‘You can dance. You can jive’ was always 'You can dance. You can jump high’.

Many have laughed heartily at my mistake, but which listener has gained more from the song?


The song fuelled my passion to go for it, in whatever shape or form that may take.

Better than me just taking away from the song that I have permission to do an old-fashioned dance.

I do have to admit that my reasoning does fall flat on occasion though.

My faltering hearing and smutty mind has got me into bother…

‘Stick Season’ by Noah Khan.

‘And I love Vermont, but it’s the seasons of the sticks,

And I saw your mom, but she forgot that I existed’ has forever been in my mind as

‘And I love Vermont, but it’s the seasons of the sticks,

And I suck your mom, but she forgot that I existed’

Maybe this perimenopausal hairdresser needs to amend her HRT, listen to her own advice and ‘Get a grip’.

But you know what?

Who cares?

Songs are meant to transport us to another place and time.

If you’re journey takes you off to Spain, well make sure you’ve packed your phrase book (and some Immodium as the water can be dodgy).

I’m jumping high and off to track down that nice Noah boy.



Dear Rochelle,

When I first met my husband, he told me he was 'going to change the world'. That was in 1995. Last night we sat together in silence in our car, while a team of hard-working migrants washed the vehicle for us. I finally accepted that the promised change will never come - and as I've recently become 'aware' of a (tattooed) neighbour that makes conversation when passing with his dog - I wondered what you think I should do next?

I don't know if it's relevant, but the canine appears to be of Pit Bull type - and he is home because he has recently benefited from a reduced prison term, due to the current overcrowding crisis in the UK jail system (the neighbour - not his dog).

Should I let destiny be my guide?

Tamara from Brighouse

Dear Tamara

Life is short.

And sounds like you’ve been aimlessly drifting for the past 30 years of it.

It is high time you reviewed your current situation, and it may well be time to look at horizons new, but you must take the helm and navigate the ship of destiny, or you may well sink.

Stick or twist.

I always find a SWOT analysis useful at a time like this.

If you look closely (very), this man and what he may have to offer may have some appealing elements.

He’s an animal lover, can hold a conversation and there is evidence that he fits the brief in that he has changed the world in some way (hope it wasn’t Broadmoor he was in).

Do you like tattoos?

Does he float your boat?

But really?

Time for some Rochelle reality:


This isn’t about the tattooed ex con or your tedious husband. It’s about you.

You are unfulfilled, bored and, let’s face it, not getting any younger.

Believe in yourself and make some changes whether you stay put or jump ship.

If you jump, swim for a while before finding a ‘sole’ mate who complements your new found sense of self.

Plenty of fish out there Tamara.  

Just don’t end up in a tin of cat food.




As it's t-shirt season, can I ask when your promised range of merch will be available...and are you planning to include any short-sleeve garments?


Brian. Berwick on Tweed


Merch available very soon.

Designers are just putting the finishing touches to the designs.

I promise you will love the short-sleeved tees.

Delighted that you are going to be a brand ambassador. Hope your pecs and guns up for it.



Dear Rochelle,

I am a big fan of your work. In 1986 the cast of Grange Hill told us: 'Just Say No', but I've been given some pills by my doctor to tackle what she describes as my 'Delusional Disorder'. Should I turn my back on the advice of Zammo and his mates and just say: OK?

I'm hoping to become an airline pilot very soon and I worry the drugs might adversely affect me at a key moment.

Napoleon. Stockport

Dearest Napoleon

As I recall, Zammo’s advice to ‘Just Say No’ related to the consumption of mind-altering illicit drugs.

In your case, in the presence of significant mental illness, I would urge you to ‘Just Say Yes’ to the mind-altering prescription drugs offered.

I must say I believe that you are lucky that your delusional disorder has been picked up and that you are being treated by a professional.

I meet deluded people every day that are oblivious to their condition who can really show themselves up with the bollocks they come out with.

The East Enders girls were the worst. I mean, Laila, (used to do her roots), reckons that her brother is Gary Oldman.  And Rita (roots and highlights) reckons her uncle is Lord Sugar. I mean, as if!

I just hope that the tempering of your delusional beliefs doesn’t stop you being a big fan of my work!



Hello Rochelle,
As an inspiration to literally thousands - I wonder what your take is of the shenanigans down the coast from you in Plymouth Moor View?
My grandad always told me: 'You reap what you sow'. What would your grandparents say about the Sandhurst/Lympstone stand-off?

Sea-legs Stewart. Scarborough


Hello Stewart

So glad you asked. It’s been doing my head in.

Granny (on my dad's side) would say: 'They need to GET A GRIP and man up'.

Sending lots of love to South Bay x